Valentine’s Day is approaching with ominous speed. I’m not particularly interested in sparking a discussion about whether or not anyone actually likes Valentine’s Day and what Hallmark had to do with the inception of this particular “holiday” (I use the term loosely). I’m just here to lend a hand and help keep all my blog-perusing friends out of the doghouse.

Having said that, I’d personally be happy with flowers (note the lack of bitterness).

Disclaimer: These items are no-go’s for V-Day unless you have expressly been told otherwise. We are not liable for incidences of doghouse-related sentences from significant others.

Don’t get ladies…

1. Any kind of automotive part and/or upgrade. I watched this particular gem of an idea blow up in an un-named individual’s face over Christmas. Headlights, bug deflectors, those steps that are useless for anything smaller than a tank… No.

2. Graphing calculator. Unless she happens to be a mathematical superstar and/or collect calculators. Then again, if she fits either of those two descriptions, she probably has a plethora of calculators. Note: It doesn’t matter if it has pink rhinestones on it, No.

3. Anything that has been stuffed. Worst. Present. Ever.

4. Baby accessories. Even if you have a baby, even if you need a new high chair/stroller/Jolly Jumper, Valentine’s Day is not supposed to be practical nor is it supposed to revolve around babies.

5. Fitness equipment. There are two problems with this: 1) It might appear that you’ve bought something for yourself and masked it as a Valentine’s Day gift, and 2) You’re guaranteed to get yourself into trouble… “What are you trying to say, honey?!”

6. Anything with a beer logo on it. I shouldn’t have to explain this one.

7. George Foreman Grill. Or any kitchen appliances for that matter. Don’t be that guy. That guy gets a George Foreman Grill thrown at him.

8. Come to think of it, anything that would inflict damage upon being thrown. If you think it could possibly offend her, don’t.

9. An Emu. This just has disaster written all over it… even if she is a real sweetie.

10. The same thing as last year, this might not go for chocolates or flowers but you wouldn’t like getting yet another scarf/tie, especially since you just got one for Christmas.